Chapter 20: Maharaj ji's Bhava Unamda, Intoxicated by Intense Longing for Krishna (part 1)

Bitter Cold of Vrindavan Dham

The year was 1947 A.D. The months of  Pausha[1] and Maagh[2] are bitterly cold in Shri Vrindavan Dham. People have to wear quilted jackets, pyjamas and caps, a woollen sweater and wrap shawls or blankets around them, all day long. It becomes tough to even recognize them became of this strange dress up.

Shriji Shedding Tears for Krishna

Shriji who was absolutely different from the entire world was lost in his own divine realm. Simmering with the fiery anguish of separation from Lord Krishna, dejected but with a radiant beaming face, wiping tears at times, placing his left cheek on his left palm supported by his knee, there would be delicate fine-textured clothing covering his body in a disorderly fashion. Lost in some divine realm, he would be sitting with his head bent in the biting cold. Deviji and I would be sitting near him but he would not have the slightest inkling of this. Many hours would pass by in this condition.  

The instant he would regain a bit of normal consciousness we would cover him with a light blanket and put him to sleep, and we too would sleep near him. After a short while we would see that the blanket had been thrown off his body and he would be sleeping covered with a thin muslin shawl. On touching his body it felt like a hot griddle.

When we would try to cover him with the blanket again he would hold our hand and making us touch his body, say, “ Look, how much heat is there in the body!”

Really, we could not bear the burning touch even in such bitter cold. Sometimes the heat in his head would increase so much that the pain was unbearable. I would massage his head with myrobalan oil but it wouldn’t help. Due to exhaustion I would go off to sleep but his eyes would remain wide open and he would keep turning sides.  He would keep breathing deeply, chant the Name of God with an ardent longing and tears would continue streaming down his cheeks.

Showers of Shravan

Sometimes we would get up and not find Shriji on the bed. Quietly I would go out and see him sitting in the open courtyard, wrapped in a thin sheet, with his left hand supported on a raised knee and his left palm touching the cheek. The shedding of tears was constant like showers of the Shravan month. Teardrops would flow and wet the floor. At times he would wear just a kopeen and keep sitting in this bitter cold. Days and nights would mostly pass by in this fashion.

I would go and quietly sit by his side. Mustering courage I would ask, “ What is this? You are sitting bare-bodied in such biting cold.”

Shri Maharajji would reply in a voice laden with sadness, “What should I do? The body is full of intense heat, it is intolerable.”

I would somehow lift up Shriji, get him inside and make him lie down after repeated requests. But his eyes would be wide open. He would keep lying down in a sorrowful posture. Sometimes he would close his eyes, open them at other times and sit up, with the night passing by in this fashion. 

 Water Stored in an Earthen Pot

The body would become so hot due to the anguish of separation that he would bathe with icy water kept in an earthen pot in the biting cold. I would wake up with the sound of water, run and rush to the courtyard. Invariably I would tremble on seeing him take a bath in such peak winters.

With great difficulty I would desist him from taking a bath, “ Maharajji! What are you doing? Your chest will catch a cold.”

 “What to do? My body is burning,” he would answer.

The Divine Realm of Shri Radha-Krishna

Seeing this my heart would be very distressed and I would wonder how I could make Shriji fine. However, it was not possible for this ailment to be cured by any medical treatment. Its cure lay in the hands of some divine realm. I would repress my emotions with this thought and watch helplessly.

Maharajji did not feel like meeting or interacting with anyone in those days. Eating, drinking and roaming had become almost nil for him.

Lawyer Shri Banke Bihari would come a couple of times to see him but Maharajji would refuse to meet him, “ Tell him, I am not there.”

A Gopi Longing for Krishna

Shri Maharajji would simply keep sitting by himself in the courtyard and  shedding tears. The sheet would get all wet with his streaming tears. I would wrap another sheet around him and wring the first one, putting it out to dry.

One day Shri Maharajji was sitting with the support of his knees. Deviji and I quietly came and stood behind him. We saw that the pit in front of him was filling up with his tears. We kept standing for very long but he had no inkling of our presence. Tears were streaming down his cheeks like the rainy season and soft sobs could be repeatedly heard from his mouth. Long breaths were being taken. We could not bear to see this state of his any longer. I caught hold of Shriji's arm and asked him to come inside. On constant insistence he opened his eyes slightly. The expression on his face was very sad and he appeared to be in great sorrow. His face had withered due to crying constantly.

“ You go, I shall come in a while,” Maharajji responded in a faint feeble voice.

An hour passed by but his condition remained the same. The cold was at its peak.

We could not bear his plight any longer.

 “ You must come in now, an hour has gone by,” I repeated.

“ You move, I shall come in after five minutes.” However, Shriji answered in his soft frail voice

This time round I did not agree. Persisting I took him inside and made him lie down on the bed. His state remained unchanged all night long. Seeing his condition our hearts were pained, but...?

The calm ambiance of Ganga Mandir prevailed with its quiet seclusion. Seeing outsiders was absolutely stopped. Motiramji and Maji were busy in their own tasks. Deviji and I remained with Shriji all the time, cautiously staying by his side to take care. Day by day his condition was becoming strange. He was always restless, sad, writhing, changing sides, shedding tears and humming verses of the anguish of separation in a very low tone. Strolling in the courtyard,  strolling on the terrace absorbed in a realm of emotions at times, sitting with his neck bent in a posture of separation at other times. Several days passed by in this manner.

Stars Twinkling in The Sky

One day the luxuriant atmosphere of the spring season was prevalent. It was midnight and the common people were sleeping soundly. On one side Shri ji was sitting distressed in a sad posture on the seat, unmindful of how much time had passed. The entire vault of the sky gleamed with bright stars twinkling all over. The cold soft fragrant breeze of spring would blow now and then and startle us. Shriji got up suddenly and coming close to the thick basil plant, sat  down in the posture of anguish with his cheek resting on the left palm. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and he was singing a pada[3] in great anguish and a feeble voice:

Shri Kumbhan Das

'kitek din beet gaye bin dekhe |

tarun kishor rasik nandnandan, kachhuk uthat mukh rekhe ||

vah shobha vah kanti vadan ki, kotik chandra vishekhe |

vah chitvan vah hasya manohar, vah natvar vapu vekhe ||

shyamsunder sang mil khelan ki, aavat hiye apekhe |

'kumbhandas' lal girdhar bin, jivan janm alekhe ||'

which meant:

'So many days have passed without seeing

Youthful Krishna, the darling son of Nanda, with different expressions flitting across His face.

That beauty that lustrous body which is like millions of moons,

That glance that enchanting laughter, that body of the skilful dancer.

Kumbhandas has great expectations of playing along with dark-hued Krishna,

And says his life is worthless without young Girdhar[4].'

Hearing the sound of the pada we tiptoed quietly and sat behind Shriji. Every word was being uttered so painfully that our hearts were torn apart on hearing the verse. The pada was complete but Maharajji kept sitting with his face lowered, his upper garment getting drenched with flowing tears.

Once Shri Maharajji got up and went towards the verandah of the Ganga Mandir. That is when I came out of the room to see Shriji. When I did not spot him in front I assumed he would be in the small room upstairs. On moving towards the steps of the flight of stairs I saw that a thin stream of water had flown down by seven steps. I wondered what this stream of water was? On looking up I saw Shriji sitting on the topmost step with one knee resting on the floor and his left cheek posited on the upright left palm with tears constantly streaming down. I was surprised to see so many tears.

Shriman Mahaprabhu Chaitanyadev Longing for Krishna

I had read in the biography of Shriman Mahaprabhu Chaitanyadev who had incarnated to deliver people devoured by sins of Kaliyuga[5], that tears would squirt from his eyes as if from a syringe, wet people sitting close to him and fill a pit. At times I used to wonder how so much water could be contained in the sockets of one's eyes? But seeing the constant flow of Shriji's tears for the past so many months, the clothes drenched by his tears, his tears filling the pit in front and the stream of tears flowing down seven steps I was convinced today that when Shriji could be in this condition, what was so surprising if the profound flow of tears was seen streaming from Mahaprabhu who epitomised  undying love for Lord Krishna.

Mirabai Sang Padas for Krishna

Similarly the truth of 'ur vich bahat panare ' that is 'streams flowing in my heart'  becomes evident in the padas of Shri Mirabai as well. Shriji's condition solved all these questions. So be it!

Day by day the bhava avastha[6] or state of Shriji's awakened spiritual consciousness was increasing. We had to be vigilant all the time and we had no idea of the suitability and unsuitability of time. He would have bhava avesha and go into a trance like state of religious rapture anytime, anywhere and swoon, losing consciousness. While walking on the way he would faint and fall down.

Thakur Banke Bihari Lal

One day after having darshan of Bihariji, Shri Maharajji came out. He went into a   swoon of spiritual ecstasy and fell down with a thud from Bihariji's platform which is about seven to eight feet high. I was shocked and thought that he would have been badly hurt. Quickly I jumped from the platform and held him. And began looking to see if he had been injured anywhere but surprisingly he had not even got so much as a scratch. It was seen that Shriji would fall down very badly on fainting, but would not be hurt even a bit.  

There is always a big crowd thronging Bihariji's Mandir and also lots of people were coming and going in the lane. So I picked up Shriji with their help and made him lie down on one side. Waiting for him to regain normal consciousness, we kept sitting by his side. He came to his senses after about half an hour. Holding his arm, we got him to the Ganga Mandir, gently and slowly.

Topi Kunj

One day after seeing the 'Rasa Lila' at Topikunj Rasmandal we were returning with Shriji, at 10 o'clock in the night.  As soon as we entered Daan Gali, Shriji went into bhava avesha, an emotionally charged state of religious rapture. His eyes turned red in colour and his gait began to totter. Treading slowly, Shriji was staggering ahead. I had held his arm from one side. His steps began to falter so Deviji held his arm from the other side. Somehow we managed to reach the Ganga Mandir and sat down. He was partially conscious of the outer world.

A faint feeble voice sprang forth from Shriji's lips:

“shri nagridasji ka samadhi sthal priya-priyatam ka shringar bhavan hai...”

“The shrine of Shri Nagaridasji is the dressing room of Priya-Priyatam[7]”...

“yahan ratri das baje sakhiyan priya-priyatam ka shringar karti hain...''

“Sakhis adorn Priya-Priyatam at ten o' clock in the night”...

“barah baje tak shringar purna hota hai...”

“The shingar or adornment is complete by twelve o' clock”...

Nitya Rasa of Shri Radha-Krishna

“barah baje sakhiyan kunjgali se hoti hui priya-priyatam ko sevakunj mein nitya raas ke liye le jaati hain...”

“Thereafter, at twelve o' clock, the sakhis take Priya-Priyatam to Seva Kunj via Kunj Gali for Nitya Rasa or the eternal dance”...

Saying this much Shriji sat quiet for a while.

The Cow in Daan Gali

Softly he began uttering again:“daangali mein ek gai hai, jiske dwara shrikrishna darshan ho sakta hai...”

“There is a cow in Daan Gali, who can enable us to have darshan  of Lord Krishna”...

“vrindavan mein ek brajvasi hai, jo shrikrishna darshan kara sakta hai...”

“There is a denizen of Braj who can make us behold Lord Krishna”...

“ramanreti mein ek vatvriksha hai, jo shrikrishna darshan kara sakta hai...”

“Threre is a banyan tree in Raman Reti, which can make us have a glimpse of Lord Krishna”...

“radhakund shrikrishna darshan kara sakta hai...”

“Radha Kund can make us behold of Lord Krishna”...

The Gopi in Radha Kund

“radhakund mein ek gopi hai, jo shrikrishna darshan kara sakti hai...”

“There is a gopi in Radha Kund, who can make us have darshan Lord Krishna”...

Having said this Shriji became silent. This articulation flashed forth in a very feeble tone so one had to listen by keeping one's ear close to his mouth.  He kept sitting with his eyes closed and regained normal consciousness after a while.

When Shriji became fully conscious we told him that this speech had flashed forth  from his mouth. Could he tell us who and where were they whom he had referred to in his utterance? Taken aback, Shriji looked at us.

He gave no answer to our question and said, “ Hare Krishna! Hare Krishna! These mysterious secrets are being revealed outside. This is not correct.”